What You Can Ask For When You are Wanting “Support”.

Almost everyone can tell you what pisses them off, hurts their feelings or makes them upset- 

We can all go on an hour monologue on the things we’d change about our lives, jobs, or relationships but when asked what we need to resolve it most people will say something like ‘I know I need something to change, but I don’t know what to ask for’. 

 (not into reading? watch (or listen) to a discussion on this topic on Instagram)

Fewer people can answer specifically the question  “What do I actually need AND what do I truly want that doesn’t depend on someone else to provide it”.  Not in the exploitative ‘doesn’t depend on someone else to provide’ way of saying “since you mentioned that you are experiencing systematic injustice- you are now responsible for fixing the whole system”- (which btw is what we do culturally to whistle blowers and BIPOC constantly and we need to at a minimum become aware of that). I mean the question more in the way of “what can I do now to assess and deliver on my own needs so I can show up and choose a path of acceptance, resistance, or revolution that is in alignment with me, my values, and how I contribute to society.

So if you are looking for ‘things to ask for’ to help you start stepping down a more empowered path when you are re-parenting, chatting with a friend, or hosting a healing circle. 

Here is a very short and incomplete list of things I find helpful to ask for when I’m in need. This list in meant to help you expand awareness of what you might desire- you may want a mix of any of these. If you are doing this for someone in your life or your group asking them what they are looking for, needing, or wanting is 100% required before trying any of the questions or phrases.

1.     Validation. When you want your emotional response to be heard or honored: “Its understandable that you are feeling that way.” “That’s a totally understandable response to that situation.” 

2.     Resonance. Hearing that other people have been through this too and you are not alone. “I have been in a similar situation to that” or “I have experienced that too” “I feel (or have felt) something like what you are describing.”

3.     Witnessing: Asking that your story be received without judgement or response. “I hear you.” “You are heard” “Thanks for sharing” (pro tip- don’t tell someone their story was ‘brave’ that is a positive judgment - yes, praise is also a judgement)

4.     Connection/Touch: Physical connection (proximity, leaning on, sitting back to back, holding hands, hugging, spooning etc *must be consensual* Touchless connection: Looking into each other’s eyes or directly at the camera in zoom, sharing food or singing 

5.     Options or Solutions: When someone is looking for ‘fixes’, ‘recommendations’, or ‘advice’ (giving advice can create unnecessary hierarchies if the giver of the advice needs to have their advice followed or ‘valued by action’ or when the situation calls for advice from a QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL and the giver is not one).  When specific this can be helpful to folks and great in groups because of the variety of experience levels and exposures to topics.  ‘In the past this worked for me’ or ‘I know a great resource on this topic’  ‘Here is where to find more information’

6.     Perspective expansion: “Have you ever considered…” “What if….” “From my perspective I notice” 

7.     Mirroring: Repeating or summarizing so the person can hear what they said from the outside “I heard you say you were upset.” “You explained a difficult situation and what you are planning to do about it.” Etc

8. Added by Dawn Michelle (a good friend) Brainstorming: where you can ask yourself what needs to flow out and document it or when you can poll a group or friend on their initial brainstorm reactions to get examples of how you might feel when there’s too much in your head and you just need to pull it out and see the connections or get responses.

I know these aren’t the only options out there- but they are a few and they are ones that I have found the most useful and healing in 1:1 coaching and in groups.

Hardly ever do people needing support actually want advice or resources. More often, when we are truly helping someone discover their truth and know themselves, their values, and their boundaries we are asking leading questions and being present for whatever comes forward. 

So, next time you are feeling something big, you can ask what do I need to feel supported and to be present for myself today? Visit the list, see what you can give yourself and see if there is someone you could ask or hire to help you.